diff --git a/src/posts/2024-07-12-finally-over.md b/src/posts/2024-07-12-finally-over.md deleted file mode 100644 index 46df83e..0000000 --- a/src/posts/2024-07-12-finally-over.md +++ /dev/null @@ -1,191 +0,0 @@ ---- -author: "Youwen Wu" -authorTwitter: "@youwen" -desc: "a reflection on senior year" -image: "./images/finally-over-itte.jpg" -keywords: "graduation, friends, life" -lang: "en" -title: "finally over" ---- - - character looking from balcony from itte, yorushika - -> きっと、人生最後の日を前に思うのだろ -> う -> I’m sure that on the last day of my life, when I think of what’s gone before -> 全部、全部言い足りなくて惜しいけど -> All of it, all of it will be unspeakably precious - -graduation was last week and ostensibly im supposed to be happy now. 4 grueling -years of high school are finally over. most of the work was boring, some of the -teachers were awful, and ill be studying in an idyllic campus by the beach come -next fall. all my friends are going off on vacation to somewhere exciting (and -im at home writing code and doing math, lol). something feels off, though. i -spent the last semester of senior year wishing it would all be over and now it -just feels...kinda empty? and somehow i find myself wanting just _one more -week_. one more week to spend with and say bye to all the people i care about. -hell, i'd even put up with another week of those stupid gov assignments. - ---- - -## one - -
- -> あまり考えたいと思えな -> I didn’t feel like thinking about it too much -> 忘れてたんだ -> So I had forgotten about it, but - -there's this common idea that your perception of time speeds up as you age and -senior year is supposed to be done in a flash. in some respects, it does feel -that way. freshman year felt faster than middle school and sophomore year felt -faster than freshman year, which i spent online. senior year at school was -boring but didn't necessarily feel _long_. most of my classes certainly weren't -fun but it's not like i was dying to get out. the first semester passed and we -all went through that painful college application process and then second -semester started and suddenly it was may and everyone (including me) was -counting the days until graduation. - -but i also did so much more _stuff_ in senior year. sophomore year was terrible. -i was kinda depressed, had just moved and barely knew anyone, and the days were -long and forgettable. if i did this same for this year, id probably be able to -talk for an hour just about the cool shit i was up to and all the amazing people -ive met and had to say goodbye to. - -the other way to look at how time seems to speed up is that your perception of -time is defined by meaningful experiences. in general, the spaces between each -experience feels ephemeral, because you dont have many lasting memories to -define them by, kind of like filler episodes in an anime. the more meaningful -experiences you have though, the more markers you have to distinguish each block -of filler space, which makes everything feel longer. as a young child, you're -bombarded with special and formative experiences. throughout grade school, those -experiences slowly decrease (generally), until the tail end of senior year. they -spike up again through college and then usually slow down again for the rest of -your life. - -at least, that's what ive heard, and ive experienced that first hand this year. -i designed and built robots, worked on cool projects, did research, and had so -many amazing experiences. the other day i was thinking about -[something i had worked on](https://github.com/Team-1280/jankboard-2) and -feeling almost nostalgic, and then i realized it was just 3 months ago. i -probably couldnt give you 2 distinctive events that happened in a 3 month period -in sophomore year and yet the past 3 months felt longer than my entire freshman -year. senior year went by quickly but my memories of it also make it feel like -one of the longest periods of my life. reminiscing about something that just -happened in december 2023 or early 2024 almost feels like im thinking about -stuff from years past. there's something so melancholic and "empty" about this -feeling of quasi-nostalgia but it doesn't necessarily feel bad. - -## two - -
- -> 牡丹は散っても花だ -> Even if its petals scatter, a peony is still a flower -> 夏が去っても追慕は切だ -> Even if the summer ends, the memories of it are still cherished - -nostalgia. i've been thinking a lot about it and i guess trying to feel it at -times lately. ive gone through my old music and rewatched some old youtubers and -scrolled through old texts and dug up wayback machine archives of old web pages. -there's something magical about that mid 2010s not-quite-modern but -not-quite-outdated web design that i spent my childhood with. - -it's not like im digging up anything super old. my earliest photos date back to -2016 and my earliest concrete web presence dates back to mid-2018, only about 6 -years ago. ive been looking at stuff from just 2019, 2020, and 2021, which are -still considered in recent memory by most. but it's so strange (although i -suppose not unexpected) just how different everything feels in just 2-3 years. - -you know that corny saying that goes "we didn't realize we were making memories, -we just knew we were having fun"? i was convinced i wouldnt let this happen to -me. id even sometimes stop and consciously acknowledge it. but somehow, it -didn't _really_ hit me until after it was over, and we all went home from grad -night, and the past 4 years all truly became _just_ memories. it's weird, -though. i don't think it's particularly useful to constantly think about the -fact that you might be making lifelong memories whenever you're doing something -fun. it doesn't add anything to your experience. at the same time, if i was -really, truly aware of that fact, as i am now, i wouldve done a few things -differently, said a few things differently. but i guess that's just the nature -of regret. - -## three - -
- -> あのね、私実はわかってるの -> You see, I actually know -> もう君が逝ったこと -> That you’re already gone - -a few people have asked me whether i'm worried about going off to a completely -new place for college and having to start over with new friends, routines, -everything. the truth is, not really? ive been to 5 elementary schools and 2 -high schools and i never relied on my family for much support, so this doesnt -really feel like anything new. it's just changing schools, again, except this -time it's college and i dont bring my family. whatever. in spite of all the -emptiness i feel for having to leave behind all the relationships ive made in -the 2 years ive been here, somehow im not really worried about it. ive done this -before. - -but it's different i suppose, this feels more permanent, because when i was -moving high schools, everyone else stayed the same and we could try and keep in -contact like old times but now everyone's going somewhere new and trying to do -new things with their lives and it just kind of feels like i didnt try to spend -enough time with people who i meant to spend time with and i didnt get to say -goodbye how i wanted to to everyone that i wanted to say goodbye to. this is the -first big farewell where i have regrets and feel like some important things have -been left unsaid and undone and all i can wish for is just one more week of high -school to do the things i wanted with the people who made it special. but i -guess that's just life. - -## four - -
- -> そして人生最後の日、君が見えるのな -> ら -> And then if I could see you on the last day of my life - -some people have told me that high school is the best 4 years of your life. -that's frankly quite sad and probably not true. but was the last year the best -year of my life _so far_? - -maybe. i dont know. i never stayed in one place long enough to really feel -completely at home and the whole "danville bubble" around here of people who -grew up and spent their whole lives here who cant comprehend life anywhere else -definitely doesnt apply to me. ive known the people here at most for 3 years and -mostly for only 1 or 2, but ive had an amazing year. i guess it'd be fair to -call it the best year so far, but i certainly wont let it be the best year of -_my life_. - -here's to many more "best years". onto the next. - ---- - -> きっと、人生最後の日も愛をうたうの -> だ -> I’m sure, even on the last day of my life, that I’d sing of love -> 全部、全部無駄じゃなかったって言う -> Because you’d tell me none of it, none of it was in vain - -
- girl looking over balcony, from itte, yorushika -
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- credits - -