draft 2

src/posts/2024-07-12-finally-over.md

@@ -1,13 +1,18 @@
 ---
 author: "Youwen Wu"
 authorTwitter: "@youwen"
-desc: "so why does it feel so empty"
-image: "./images/gradient-ascent.jpg"
+desc: "a reflection on senior year"
+image: "./images/finally-over-itte.jpg"
 keywords: "graduation, friends, life"
 lang: "en"
 title: "it's finally over"
 ---
 
+<figure>
+  <img src="./images/finally-over-itte.jpg" alt="character looking from balcony from itte, yorushika" width="100%" />
+  <figcaption><em>image via</em> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F64yFFnZfkI" target="__blank">ヨルシカ</a></figcaption>
+</figure>
+
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">きっと、人生最後の日を前に思うのだろ
 > う</span>  
 > I’m sure that on the last day of my life, when I think of what’s gone before  
@@ -19,10 +24,10 @@ high school are over. most of the work was boring, some of the teachers were
 awful, and ill be studying in an idyllic campus by the beach come next fall. all
 my friends are going off on vacation to somewhere exciting (and im at home
 writing code and doing math, lol). something's off, though. i spent the last
-semester of senior year wishing it would all be over and now it just feels so
-... _empty_ and all i can ask for is just _one more week_. one more week to
-spend with and say bye to all the people i care about. hell, i'd even put up
-with another week of those stupid gov assignments.
+semester of senior year wishing it would all be over and now it just
+feels...kinda empty? and all i can ask for is just _one more week_. one more
+week to spend with and say bye to all the people i care about. hell, i'd even
+put up with another week of those stupid gov assignments.
 
 ---
 
@@ -35,37 +40,46 @@ with another week of those stupid gov assignments.
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">忘れてたんだ</span>  
 >  So I had forgotten about it, but
 
-they say that your perception of time speeds up as you age and senior year is
-supposed to be gone in a flash. in some ways, it does feel that way. senior year
-didn't necessarily feel _long_. most of my classes certainly weren't fun but
-it's not like i was _dying_ to get out. the first semester passed and we all
-went through that painful college application process and then second semester
-started and as everyone started getting their decisions back the vibes all
-chilled out and before you know it it was may and everyone including me were
-counting the days until graduation.
+there's this idea that your perception of time speeds up as you age and senior
+year is supposed to be gone in a flash. in some respects, it does feel that way.
+freshman year felt faster than middle school and sophomore year felt faster than
+online freshman year. senior year at school was boring but didn't necessarily
+feel _long_. most of my classes certainly weren't fun but it's not like i was
+_dying_ to get out. the first semester passed and we all went through that
+painful college application process and then second semester started and before
+you know it it was may and everyone (including me) was counting the days until
+graduation.
 
 but i also did so much more in senior year. if you asked me to describe my
 sophomore year, i could probably give you a few lines. sophomore year was
-terrible. i was almost depressed, just moved and didn't know anyone, and the
+terrible. i was kinda depressed, had just moved and barely knew anyone, and the
 days were long and forgettable. if i did this same for this year, id probably be
 able to talk for an hour just about the cool shit i was up to and all the
 amazing people ive met and had to say goodbye to.
 
-the other part of the notion that time seems to speed up as you age is that your
+the other way to look at how time seems to speed up as you age is that your
 perception of time is defined by meaningful experiences. in general, the spaces
 between each experience feels ephemeral, because you dont have many lasting
 memories to define them by, kind of like filler episodes in an anime. the more
 meaningful experiences you have though, the more markers you have to distinguish
-each block of filler space, which makes everything feel longer. at least, that's
-what ive heard, and ive experienced that first hand this year. i designed and
-built robots, worked on cool projects, did research, and had so many amazing
-experiences. the other day i was thinking about
+each block of filler space, which makes everything feel longer. as a young
+child, you're bombarded with special and formative experiences. throughout grade
+school, those experiences slowly decrease (generally), until the tail end of
+senior year. they spike up again through college and then usually slow down
+again for the rest of your life.
+
+at least, that's what ive heard, and ive experienced that first hand this year.
+i designed and built robots, worked on cool projects, did research, and had so
+many amazing experiences. the other day i was thinking about
 [something i had worked on](https://github.com/Team-1280/jankboard-2) and
 feeling almost nostalgic, and then i realized it was just 3 months ago. i
 probably couldnt give you 2 distinctive events that happened in a 3 month period
 in sophomore year and yet the past 3 months felt longer than my entire freshman
-year. there's something so weird and "empty" about this feeling of
-quasi-nostalgia but it doesn't necessarily feel bad.
+year. senior year went by quickly but my memories of it also make it feel like
+one of the longest periods of my life. reminiscing about something that just
+happened in december 2023 or early 2024 almost feels like im thinking about
+stuff from years past. there's something so weird and "empty" about this feeling
+of quasi-nostalgia but it doesn't necessarily feel bad.
 
 ## two
 
@@ -82,23 +96,23 @@ scrolled through old texts and dug up wayback machine archives of old web pages.
 there's something so magical about that mid 2010s not-quite-modern but
 not-quite-outdated web design that i spent my childhood with.
 
-it's not like im digging up anything super old. my earliest photos back to 2016
-and my earliest concrete web presence dates back to mid-2018, which was only
-about 6 years ago. ive been looking at stuff from just 2019, 2020, and 2021,
-which are still considered in recent memory by most. but it's so strange
-(although i suppose not unexpected) just how different everything feels in just
-2-3 years.
+it's not like im digging up anything super old. my earliest photos date back to
+2016 and my earliest concrete web presence dates back to mid-2018, only about 6
+years ago. ive been looking at stuff from just 2019, 2020, and 2021, which are
+still considered in recent memory by most. but it's so strange (although i
+suppose not unexpected) just how different everything feels in just 2-3 years.
 
 you know that corny saying that goes "we didn't realize we were making memories,
-we just knew we were having fun"? i was aware that i was making memories the
-whole time. id even sometimes stop and consciously acknowledge it. but somehow,
-it didn't _really_ hit me until after it was over, and we all went home from
-grad night, and the 4 years all truly became just memories. it's weird, though.
-i don't think it's particularly useful to constantly think about the fact that
-you might be making lifelong memories whenever you're doing something fun. it
-doesn't add anything to your experience. at the same time, if i was really,
-truly aware of that fact, as i am now, i wouldve done a few things differently.
-but i guess that's just the nature of regret.
+we just knew we were having fun"? i was convinced i wouldnt let this happen to
+me. id even sometimes stop and consciously acknowledge it, when doing something
+fun. but somehow, it didn't _really_ hit me until after it was over, and we all
+went home from grad night, and the past 4 years all truly just _became
+memories_. it's weird, though. i don't think it's particularly useful to
+constantly think about the fact that you might be making lifelong memories
+whenever you're doing something fun. it doesn't add anything to your experience.
+at the same time, if i was really, truly aware of that fact, as i am now, i
+wouldve done a few things differently, said a few things differently. but i
+guess that's just the nature of regret.
 
 ## three
 
@@ -109,25 +123,42 @@ but i guess that's just the nature of regret.
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">もう君が逝ったこと</span>  
 > That you’re already gone
 
-am i worried about going off to a completely new place for college and having to
-start over with new friends, routines, everything? a few people have asked me
-that. the truth is, not in the slightest. ive been to 5 elementary schools and 2
-high schools and i never relied on my family for much support emotionally, so
-this doesnt really feel like anything new. it's just changing schools, again,
-except this time it's college. whatever. in spite of all the emptiness i feel
-for having to leave behind all the relationships ive made in the 2 years ive
-been here, im not really worried about it. ive done this before.
+a few people have asked me whether i'm worried about going off to a completely
+new place for college and having to start over with new friends, routines,
+everything. the truth is, not really? ive been to 5 elementary schools and 2
+high schools and i never relied on my family for much support, so this doesnt
+really feel like anything new. it's just changing schools, again, except this
+time it's college and i dont bring my family. whatever. in spite of all the
+emptiness i feel for having to leave behind all the relationships ive made in
+the 2 years ive been here, somehow im not really worried about it. ive done this
+before.
 
-but it's weird, somehow this feels more permanent, because when i was moving
-high schools, everyone else stayed the same and we could keep in contact like
-old times but now everyone's going somewhere new and trying to do new things
-with their lives and it just kind of feels like i didnt try to spend enough time
-with people who i meant to spend time with and i didnt get to say goodbye how i
-wanted to to everyone that i wanted to say goodbye to. this is the first big
-farewell where i have regrets and feel like some important things have been left
-unsaid and all i can ask for is just one more week of high school to do the
-things i wanted with the people who made it special. but i guess that's just
-life.
+but it's different i suppose, this feels more permanent, because when i was
+moving high schools, everyone else stayed the same and we could try and keep in
+contact like old times but now everyone's going somewhere new and trying to do
+new things with their lives and it just kind of feels like i didnt try to spend
+enough time with people who i meant to spend time with and i didnt get to say
+goodbye how i wanted to to everyone that i wanted to say goodbye to. this is the
+first big farewell where i have regrets and feel like some important things have
+been left unsaid and undone and all i can wish for is just one more week of high
+school to do the things i wanted with the people who made it special. but i
+guess that's just life.
+
+## four
+
+some people say that high school is the best 4 years of your life. frankly, i
+think if you believe that, that's quite sad and it gives off huge "peaked in
+high school" vibes. but was senior year the best year of my life _so far_?
+
+maybe. i dont know. i never stayed in one place long enough to really feel
+completely at home and the whole "danville bubble" around here of people who
+grew up and spent their whole lives here who cant comprehend life anywhere else
+definitely doesnt apply to me. ive known the people here at most for 3 years and
+mostly for only 1 or 2, but ive had an amazing year. i guess it'd be fair to
+call it the best year so far, but i certainly wont let it be the best year of my
+_life_.
+
+here's to many more best years. onto the next.
 
 ---