diff --git a/src/posts/2024-07-12-finally-over.md b/src/posts/2024-07-12-finally-over.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bcb15bd --- /dev/null +++ b/src/posts/2024-07-12-finally-over.md @@ -0,0 +1,143 @@ +--- +author: "Youwen Wu" +authorTwitter: "@youwen" +desc: "so why does it feel so empty" +image: "./images/gradient-ascent.jpg" +keywords: "graduation, friends, life" +lang: "en" +title: "it's finally over" +--- + +> きっと、人生最後の日を前に思うのだろ +> う +> I’m sure that on the last day of my life, when I think of what’s gone before +> 全部、全部言い足りなくて惜しいけど +> All of it, all of it will be unspeakably precious + +graduation was last week and ostensibly, im supposed to be happy now. 4 years of +high school are over. most of the work was boring, some of the teachers were +awful, and ill be studying in an idyllic campus by the beach come next fall. all +my friends are going off on vacation to somewhere exciting (and im at home +writing code and doing math, lol). something's off, though. i spent the last +semester of senior year wishing it would all be over and now it just feels so +... _empty_ and all i can ask for is just _one more week_. one more week to +spend with and say bye to all the people i care about. hell, i'd even put up +with another week of those stupid gov assignments. + +--- + +## one + +
+ +> あまり考えたいと思えな +> I didn’t feel like thinking about it too much +> 忘れてたんだ +> So I had forgotten about it, but + +they say that your perception of time speeds up as you age and senior year is +supposed to be gone in a flash. in some ways, it does feel that way. senior year +didn't necessarily feel _long_. most of my classes certainly weren't fun but +it's not like i was _dying_ to get out. the first semester passed and we all +went through that painful college application process and then second semester +started and as everyone started getting their decisions back the vibes all +chilled out and before you know it it was may and everyone including me were +counting the days until graduation. + +but i also did so much more in senior year. if you asked me to describe my +sophomore year, i could probably give you a few lines. sophomore year was +terrible. i was almost depressed, just moved and didn't know anyone, and the +days were long and forgettable. if i did this same for this year, id probably be +able to talk for an hour just about the cool shit i was up to and all the +amazing people ive met and had to say goodbye to. + +the other part of the notion that time seems to speed up as you age is that your +perception of time is defined by meaningful experiences. in general, the spaces +between each experience feels ephemeral, because you dont have many lasting +memories to define them by, kind of like filler episodes in an anime. the more +meaningful experiences you have though, the more markers you have to distinguish +each block of filler space, which makes everything feel longer. at least, that's +what ive heard, and ive experienced that first hand this year. i designed and +built robots, worked on cool projects, did research, and had so many amazing +experiences. the other day i was thinking about +[something i had worked on](https://github.com/Team-1280/jankboard-2) and +feeling almost nostalgic, and then i realized it was just 3 months ago. i +probably couldnt give you 2 distinctive events that happened in a 3 month period +in sophomore year and yet the past 3 months felt longer than my entire freshman +year. there's something so weird and "empty" about this feeling of +quasi-nostalgia but it doesn't necessarily feel bad. + +## two + +
+ +> 牡丹は散っても花だ +> Even if its petals scatter, a peony is still a flower +> 夏が去っても追慕は切だ +> Even if the summer ends, the memories of it are still cherished + +_nostalgia_. i've been thinking a lot about it and i guess trying to feel it at +times lately. ive gone through my old music and rewatched some old youtubers and +scrolled through old texts and dug up wayback machine archives of old web pages. +there's something so magical about that mid 2010s not-quite-modern but +not-quite-outdated web design that i spent my childhood with. + +it's not like im digging up anything super old. my earliest photos back to 2016 +and my earliest concrete web presence dates back to mid-2018, which was only +about 6 years ago. ive been looking at stuff from just 2019, 2020, and 2021, +which are still considered in recent memory by most. but it's so strange +(although i suppose not unexpected) just how different everything feels in just +2-3 years. + +you know that corny saying that goes "we didn't realize we were making memories, +we just knew we were having fun"? i was aware that i was making memories the +whole time. id even sometimes stop and consciously acknowledge it. but somehow, +it didn't _really_ hit me until after it was over, and we all went home from +grad night, and the 4 years all truly became just memories. it's weird, though. +i don't think it's particularly useful to constantly think about the fact that +you might be making lifelong memories whenever you're doing something fun. it +doesn't add anything to your experience. at the same time, if i was really, +truly aware of that fact, as i am now, i wouldve done a few things differently. +but i guess that's just the nature of regret. + +## three + +
+ +> あのね、私実はわかってるの +> You see, I actually know +> もう君が逝ったこと +> That you’re already gone + +am i worried about going off to a completely new place for college and having to +start over with new friends, routines, everything? a few people have asked me +that. the truth is, not in the slightest. ive been to 5 elementary schools and 2 +high schools and i never relied on my family for much support emotionally, so +this doesnt really feel like anything new. it's just changing schools, again, +except this time it's college. whatever. in spite of all the emptiness i feel +for having to leave behind all the relationships ive made in the 2 years ive +been here, im not really worried about it. ive done this before. + +but it's weird, somehow this feels more permanent, because when i was moving +high schools, everyone else stayed the same and we could keep in contact like +old times but now everyone's going somewhere new and trying to do new things +with their lives and it just kind of feels like i didnt try to spend enough time +with people who i meant to spend time with and i didnt get to say goodbye how i +wanted to to everyone that i wanted to say goodbye to. this is the first big +farewell where i have regrets and feel like some important things have been left +unsaid and all i can ask for is just one more week of high school to do the +things i wanted with the people who made it special. but i guess that's just +life. + +--- + +> そして人生最後の日、君が見えるのな +> ら +> And then if I could see you on the last day of my life +> きっと、人生最後の日も愛をうたうの +> だ +> I’m sure, even on the last day of my life, that I’d sing of love +> 全部、全部無駄じゃなかったって言う +> Because you’d tell me none of it, none of it was in vain + +[translations courtesy of ej](https://ejtranslations.wordpress.com/2017/12/13/yorushika-itte/)