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2024-11-24 18:03:50 -08:00 · 2024-06-25 03:09:48 -07:00 · 2024-06-25 03:09:48 -07:00 · 06068a870f
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 ---
 author: "Youwen Wu"
 authorTwitter: "@youwen"
 desc: "a reflection on senior year"
 image: "./images/finally-over-itte.jpg"
 keywords: "graduation, friends, life"
 lang: "en"
 title: "finally over"
 ---
  <img style="width: 100vw;" src="./images/finally-over-itte.jpg" alt="character looking from balcony from itte, yorushika"  />
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">きっと、人生最後の日を前に思うのだろ
 > う</span>  
 > I’m sure that on the last day of my life, when I think of what’s gone before  
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">全部、全部言い足りなくて惜しいけど</span>  
 > All of it, all of it will be unspeakably precious
 graduation was last week and ostensibly im supposed to be happy now. 4 grueling
 years of high school are finally over. most of the work was boring, some of the
 teachers were awful, and ill be studying in an idyllic campus by the beach come
 next fall. all my friends are going off on vacation to somewhere exciting (and
 im at home writing code and doing math, lol). something feels off, though. i
 spent the last semester of senior year wishing it would all be over and now it
 just feels...kinda empty? and somehow i find myself wanting just _one more
 week_. one more week to spend with and say bye to all the people i care about.
 hell, i'd even put up with another week of those stupid gov assignments.
 ---
 ## one
 <br />
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">あまり考えたいと思えな</span>  
 > I didn’t feel like thinking about it too much  
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">忘れてたんだ</span>  
 >  So I had forgotten about it, but
 there's this common idea that your perception of time speeds up as you age and
 senior year is supposed to be done in a flash. in some respects, it does feel
 that way. freshman year felt faster than middle school and sophomore year felt
 faster than freshman year, which i spent online. senior year at school was
 boring but didn't necessarily feel _long_. most of my classes certainly weren't
 fun but it's not like i was dying to get out. the first semester passed and we
 all went through that painful college application process and then second
 semester started and suddenly it was may and everyone (including me) was
 counting the days until graduation.
 but i also did so much more _stuff_ in senior year. sophomore year was terrible.
 i was kinda depressed, had just moved and barely knew anyone, and the days were
 long and forgettable. if i did this same for this year, id probably be able to
 talk for an hour just about the cool shit i was up to and all the amazing people
 ive met and had to say goodbye to.
 the other way to look at how time seems to speed up is that your perception of
 time is defined by meaningful experiences. in general, the spaces between each
 experience feels ephemeral, because you dont have many lasting memories to
 define them by, kind of like filler episodes in an anime. the more meaningful
 experiences you have though, the more markers you have to distinguish each block
 of filler space, which makes everything feel longer. as a young child, you're
 bombarded with special and formative experiences. throughout grade school, those
 experiences slowly decrease (generally), until the tail end of senior year. they
 spike up again through college and then usually slow down again for the rest of
 your life.
 at least, that's what ive heard, and ive experienced that first hand this year.
 i designed and built robots, worked on cool projects, did research, and had so
 many amazing experiences. the other day i was thinking about
 [something i had worked on](https://github.com/Team-1280/jankboard-2) and
 feeling almost nostalgic, and then i realized it was just 3 months ago. i
 probably couldnt give you 2 distinctive events that happened in a 3 month period
 in sophomore year and yet the past 3 months felt longer than my entire freshman
 year. senior year went by quickly but my memories of it also make it feel like
 one of the longest periods of my life. reminiscing about something that just
 happened in december 2023 or early 2024 almost feels like im thinking about
 stuff from years past. there's something so melancholic and "empty" about this
 feeling of quasi-nostalgia but it doesn't necessarily feel bad.
 ## two
 <br />
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">牡丹は散っても花だ</span>  
 > Even if its petals scatter, a peony is still a flower  
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">夏が去っても追慕は切だ</span>  
 > Even if the summer ends, the memories of it are still cherished
 nostalgia. i've been thinking a lot about it and i guess trying to feel it at
 times lately. ive gone through my old music and rewatched some old youtubers and
 scrolled through old texts and dug up wayback machine archives of old web pages.
 there's something magical about that mid 2010s not-quite-modern but
 not-quite-outdated web design that i spent my childhood with.
 it's not like im digging up anything super old. my earliest photos date back to
 2016 and my earliest concrete web presence dates back to mid-2018, only about 6
 years ago. ive been looking at stuff from just 2019, 2020, and 2021, which are
 still considered in recent memory by most. but it's so strange (although i
 suppose not unexpected) just how different everything feels in just 2-3 years.
 you know that corny saying that goes "we didn't realize we were making memories,
 we just knew we were having fun"? i was convinced i wouldnt let this happen to
 me. id even sometimes stop and consciously acknowledge it. but somehow, it
 didn't _really_ hit me until after it was over, and we all went home from grad
 night, and the past 4 years all truly became _just_ memories. it's weird,
 though. i don't think it's particularly useful to constantly think about the
 fact that you might be making lifelong memories whenever you're doing something
 fun. it doesn't add anything to your experience. at the same time, if i was
 really, truly aware of that fact, as i am now, i wouldve done a few things
 differently, said a few things differently. but i guess that's just the nature
 of regret.
 ## three
 <br />
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">あのね、私実はわかってるの</span>  
 > You see, I actually know  
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">もう君が逝ったこと</span>  
 > That you’re already gone
 a few people have asked me whether i'm worried about going off to a completely
 new place for college and having to start over with new friends, routines,
 everything. the truth is, not really? ive been to 5 elementary schools and 2
 high schools and i never relied on my family for much support, so this doesnt
 really feel like anything new. it's just changing schools, again, except this
 time it's college and i dont bring my family. whatever. in spite of all the
 emptiness i feel for having to leave behind all the relationships ive made in
 the 2 years ive been here, somehow im not really worried about it. ive done this
 before.
 but it's different i suppose, this feels more permanent, because when i was
 moving high schools, everyone else stayed the same and we could try and keep in
 contact like old times but now everyone's going somewhere new and trying to do
 new things with their lives and it just kind of feels like i didnt try to spend
 enough time with people who i meant to spend time with and i didnt get to say
 goodbye how i wanted to to everyone that i wanted to say goodbye to. this is the
 first big farewell where i have regrets and feel like some important things have
 been left unsaid and undone and all i can wish for is just one more week of high
 school to do the things i wanted with the people who made it special. but i
 guess that's just life.
 ## four
 <br />
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">そして人生最後の日、君が見えるのな
 > ら</span>  
 > And then if I could see you on the last day of my life
 some people have told me that high school is the best 4 years of your life.
 that's frankly quite sad and probably not true. but was the last year the best
 year of my life _so far_?
 maybe. i dont know. i never stayed in one place long enough to really feel
 completely at home and the whole "danville bubble" around here of people who
 grew up and spent their whole lives here who cant comprehend life anywhere else
 definitely doesnt apply to me. ive known the people here at most for 3 years and
 mostly for only 1 or 2, but ive had an amazing year. i guess it'd be fair to
 call it the best year so far, but i certainly wont let it be the best year of
 _my life_.
 here's to many more "best years". onto the next.
 ---
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">きっと、人生最後の日も愛をうたうの
 > だ</span>  
 > I’m sure, even on the last day of my life, that I’d sing of love  
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">全部、全部無駄じゃなかったって言う</span>  
 >  Because you’d tell me none of it, none of it was in vain
 <figure>
  <img alt="girl looking over balcony, from itte, yorushika" src="./images/finally-over-balcony2.png" />
  <figcaption></figcaption>
 </figure>
 <details>
  <summary>credits</summary>
    <ul>
      <li>
  images and lyrics via <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F64yFFnZfkI">ヨルシカ</a>
  </li>
  <li>
 translations
 <a href="https://ejtranslations.wordpress.com/2017/12/13/yorushika-itte/">courtesy
 of ej</a>
  </li>
 </ul>
 </details>