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-author: "Youwen Wu"
-authorTwitter: "@youwen"
-desc: "a reflection on senior year"
-image: "./images/finally-over-itte.jpg"
-keywords: "graduation, friends, life"
-lang: "en"
-title: "finally over"
----
-
-  <img style="width: 100vw;" src="./images/finally-over-itte.jpg" alt="character looking from balcony from itte, yorushika"  />
-
-> <span style="font-style: normal;">きっと、人生最後の日を前に思うのだろ
-> う</span>  
-> I’m sure that on the last day of my life, when I think of what’s gone before  
-> <span style="font-style: normal;">全部、全部言い足りなくて惜しいけど</span>  
-> All of it, all of it will be unspeakably precious
-
-graduation was last week and ostensibly im supposed to be happy now. 4 grueling
-years of high school are finally over. most of the work was boring, some of the
-teachers were awful, and ill be studying in an idyllic campus by the beach come
-next fall. all my friends are going off on vacation to somewhere exciting (and
-im at home writing code and doing math, lol). something feels off, though. i
-spent the last semester of senior year wishing it would all be over and now it
-just feels...kinda empty? and somehow i find myself wanting just _one more
-week_. one more week to spend with and say bye to all the people i care about.
-hell, i'd even put up with another week of those stupid gov assignments.
-
----
-
-## one
-
-<br />
-
-> <span style="font-style: normal;">あまり考えたいと思えな</span>  
-> I didn’t feel like thinking about it too much  
-> <span style="font-style: normal;">忘れてたんだ</span>  
->  So I had forgotten about it, but
-
-there's this common idea that your perception of time speeds up as you age and
-senior year is supposed to be done in a flash. in some respects, it does feel
-that way. freshman year felt faster than middle school and sophomore year felt
-faster than freshman year, which i spent online. senior year at school was
-boring but didn't necessarily feel _long_. most of my classes certainly weren't
-fun but it's not like i was dying to get out. the first semester passed and we
-all went through that painful college application process and then second
-semester started and suddenly it was may and everyone (including me) was
-counting the days until graduation.
-
-but i also did so much more _stuff_ in senior year. sophomore year was terrible.
-i was kinda depressed, had just moved and barely knew anyone, and the days were
-long and forgettable. if i did this same for this year, id probably be able to
-talk for an hour just about the cool shit i was up to and all the amazing people
-ive met and had to say goodbye to.
-
-the other way to look at how time seems to speed up is that your perception of
-time is defined by meaningful experiences. in general, the spaces between each
-experience feels ephemeral, because you dont have many lasting memories to
-define them by, kind of like filler episodes in an anime. the more meaningful
-experiences you have though, the more markers you have to distinguish each block
-of filler space, which makes everything feel longer. as a young child, you're
-bombarded with special and formative experiences. throughout grade school, those
-experiences slowly decrease (generally), until the tail end of senior year. they
-spike up again through college and then usually slow down again for the rest of
-your life.
-
-at least, that's what ive heard, and ive experienced that first hand this year.
-i designed and built robots, worked on cool projects, did research, and had so
-many amazing experiences. the other day i was thinking about
-[something i had worked on](https://github.com/Team-1280/jankboard-2) and
-feeling almost nostalgic, and then i realized it was just 3 months ago. i
-probably couldnt give you 2 distinctive events that happened in a 3 month period
-in sophomore year and yet the past 3 months felt longer than my entire freshman
-year. senior year went by quickly but my memories of it also make it feel like
-one of the longest periods of my life. reminiscing about something that just
-happened in december 2023 or early 2024 almost feels like im thinking about
-stuff from years past. there's something so melancholic and "empty" about this
-feeling of quasi-nostalgia but it doesn't necessarily feel bad.
-
-## two
-
-<br />
-
-> <span style="font-style: normal;">牡丹は散っても花だ</span>  
-> Even if its petals scatter, a peony is still a flower  
-> <span style="font-style: normal;">夏が去っても追慕は切だ</span>  
-> Even if the summer ends, the memories of it are still cherished
-
-nostalgia. i've been thinking a lot about it and i guess trying to feel it at
-times lately. ive gone through my old music and rewatched some old youtubers and
-scrolled through old texts and dug up wayback machine archives of old web pages.
-there's something magical about that mid 2010s not-quite-modern but
-not-quite-outdated web design that i spent my childhood with.
-
-it's not like im digging up anything super old. my earliest photos date back to
-2016 and my earliest concrete web presence dates back to mid-2018, only about 6
-years ago. ive been looking at stuff from just 2019, 2020, and 2021, which are
-still considered in recent memory by most. but it's so strange (although i
-suppose not unexpected) just how different everything feels in just 2-3 years.
-
-you know that corny saying that goes "we didn't realize we were making memories,
-we just knew we were having fun"? i was convinced i wouldnt let this happen to
-me. id even sometimes stop and consciously acknowledge it. but somehow, it
-didn't _really_ hit me until after it was over, and we all went home from grad
-night, and the past 4 years all truly became _just_ memories. it's weird,
-though. i don't think it's particularly useful to constantly think about the
-fact that you might be making lifelong memories whenever you're doing something
-fun. it doesn't add anything to your experience. at the same time, if i was
-really, truly aware of that fact, as i am now, i wouldve done a few things
-differently, said a few things differently. but i guess that's just the nature
-of regret.
-
-## three
-
-<br />
-
-> <span style="font-style: normal;">あのね、私実はわかってるの</span>  
-> You see, I actually know  
-> <span style="font-style: normal;">もう君が逝ったこと</span>  
-> That you’re already gone
-
-a few people have asked me whether i'm worried about going off to a completely
-new place for college and having to start over with new friends, routines,
-everything. the truth is, not really? ive been to 5 elementary schools and 2
-high schools and i never relied on my family for much support, so this doesnt
-really feel like anything new. it's just changing schools, again, except this
-time it's college and i dont bring my family. whatever. in spite of all the
-emptiness i feel for having to leave behind all the relationships ive made in
-the 2 years ive been here, somehow im not really worried about it. ive done this
-before.
-
-but it's different i suppose, this feels more permanent, because when i was
-moving high schools, everyone else stayed the same and we could try and keep in
-contact like old times but now everyone's going somewhere new and trying to do
-new things with their lives and it just kind of feels like i didnt try to spend
-enough time with people who i meant to spend time with and i didnt get to say
-goodbye how i wanted to to everyone that i wanted to say goodbye to. this is the
-first big farewell where i have regrets and feel like some important things have
-been left unsaid and undone and all i can wish for is just one more week of high
-school to do the things i wanted with the people who made it special. but i
-guess that's just life.
-
-## four
-
-<br />
-
-> <span style="font-style: normal;">そして人生最後の日、君が見えるのな
-> ら</span>  
-> And then if I could see you on the last day of my life
-
-some people have told me that high school is the best 4 years of your life.
-that's frankly quite sad and probably not true. but was the last year the best
-year of my life _so far_?
-
-maybe. i dont know. i never stayed in one place long enough to really feel
-completely at home and the whole "danville bubble" around here of people who
-grew up and spent their whole lives here who cant comprehend life anywhere else
-definitely doesnt apply to me. ive known the people here at most for 3 years and
-mostly for only 1 or 2, but ive had an amazing year. i guess it'd be fair to
-call it the best year so far, but i certainly wont let it be the best year of
-_my life_.
-
-here's to many more "best years". onto the next.
-
----
-
-> <span style="font-style: normal;">きっと、人生最後の日も愛をうたうの
-> だ</span>  
-> I’m sure, even on the last day of my life, that I’d sing of love  
-> <span style="font-style: normal;">全部、全部無駄じゃなかったって言う</span>  
->  Because you’d tell me none of it, none of it was in vain
-
-<figure>
-  <img alt="girl looking over balcony, from itte, yorushika" src="./images/finally-over-balcony2.png" />
-  <figcaption></figcaption>
-</figure>
-
-<details>
-  <summary>credits</summary>
-    <ul>
-      <li>
-  images and lyrics via <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F64yFFnZfkI">ヨルシカ</a>
-  </li>
-  <li>
-translations
-<a href="https://ejtranslations.wordpress.com/2017/12/13/yorushika-itte/">courtesy
-of ej</a>
-  </li>
-
-</ul>
-</details>