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 ---
 author: "Youwen Wu"
 authorTwitter: "@youwen"
 desc: "so why does it feel so empty"
 image: "./images/gradient-ascent.jpg"
 keywords: "graduation, friends, life"
 lang: "en"
 title: "it's finally over"
 ---
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">きっと、人生最後の日を前に思うのだろ
 > う</span>  
 > I’m sure that on the last day of my life, when I think of what’s gone before  
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">全部、全部言い足りなくて惜しいけど</span>  
 > All of it, all of it will be unspeakably precious
 graduation was last week and ostensibly, im supposed to be happy now. 4 years of
 high school are over. most of the work was boring, some of the teachers were
 awful, and ill be studying in an idyllic campus by the beach come next fall. all
 my friends are going off on vacation to somewhere exciting (and im at home
 writing code and doing math, lol). something's off, though. i spent the last
 semester of senior year wishing it would all be over and now it just feels so
 ... _empty_ and all i can ask for is just _one more week_. one more week to
 spend with and say bye to all the people i care about. hell, i'd even put up
 with another week of those stupid gov assignments.
 ---
 ## one
 <br />
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">あまり考えたいと思えな</span>  
 > I didn’t feel like thinking about it too much  
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">忘れてたんだ</span>  
 >  So I had forgotten about it, but
 they say that your perception of time speeds up as you age and senior year is
 supposed to be gone in a flash. in some ways, it does feel that way. senior year
 didn't necessarily feel _long_. most of my classes certainly weren't fun but
 it's not like i was _dying_ to get out. the first semester passed and we all
 went through that painful college application process and then second semester
 started and as everyone started getting their decisions back the vibes all
 chilled out and before you know it it was may and everyone including me were
 counting the days until graduation.
 but i also did so much more in senior year. if you asked me to describe my
 sophomore year, i could probably give you a few lines. sophomore year was
 terrible. i was almost depressed, just moved and didn't know anyone, and the
 days were long and forgettable. if i did this same for this year, id probably be
 able to talk for an hour just about the cool shit i was up to and all the
 amazing people ive met and had to say goodbye to.
 the other part of the notion that time seems to speed up as you age is that your
 perception of time is defined by meaningful experiences. in general, the spaces
 between each experience feels ephemeral, because you dont have many lasting
 memories to define them by, kind of like filler episodes in an anime. the more
 meaningful experiences you have though, the more markers you have to distinguish
 each block of filler space, which makes everything feel longer. at least, that's
 what ive heard, and ive experienced that first hand this year. i designed and
 built robots, worked on cool projects, did research, and had so many amazing
 experiences. the other day i was thinking about
 [something i had worked on](https://github.com/Team-1280/jankboard-2) and
 feeling almost nostalgic, and then i realized it was just 3 months ago. i
 probably couldnt give you 2 distinctive events that happened in a 3 month period
 in sophomore year and yet the past 3 months felt longer than my entire freshman
 year. there's something so weird and "empty" about this feeling of
 quasi-nostalgia but it doesn't necessarily feel bad.
 ## two
 <br />
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">牡丹は散っても花だ</span>  
 > Even if its petals scatter, a peony is still a flower  
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">夏が去っても追慕は切だ</span>  
 > Even if the summer ends, the memories of it are still cherished
 _nostalgia_. i've been thinking a lot about it and i guess trying to feel it at
 times lately. ive gone through my old music and rewatched some old youtubers and
 scrolled through old texts and dug up wayback machine archives of old web pages.
 there's something so magical about that mid 2010s not-quite-modern but
 not-quite-outdated web design that i spent my childhood with.
 it's not like im digging up anything super old. my earliest photos back to 2016
 and my earliest concrete web presence dates back to mid-2018, which was only
 about 6 years ago. ive been looking at stuff from just 2019, 2020, and 2021,
 which are still considered in recent memory by most. but it's so strange
 (although i suppose not unexpected) just how different everything feels in just
 2-3 years.
 you know that corny saying that goes "we didn't realize we were making memories,
 we just knew we were having fun"? i was aware that i was making memories the
 whole time. id even sometimes stop and consciously acknowledge it. but somehow,
 it didn't _really_ hit me until after it was over, and we all went home from
 grad night, and the 4 years all truly became just memories. it's weird, though.
 i don't think it's particularly useful to constantly think about the fact that
 you might be making lifelong memories whenever you're doing something fun. it
 doesn't add anything to your experience. at the same time, if i was really,
 truly aware of that fact, as i am now, i wouldve done a few things differently.
 but i guess that's just the nature of regret.
 ## three
 <br />
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">あのね、私実はわかってるの</span>  
 > You see, I actually know  
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">もう君が逝ったこと</span>  
 > That you’re already gone
 am i worried about going off to a completely new place for college and having to
 start over with new friends, routines, everything? a few people have asked me
 that. the truth is, not in the slightest. ive been to 5 elementary schools and 2
 high schools and i never relied on my family for much support emotionally, so
 this doesnt really feel like anything new. it's just changing schools, again,
 except this time it's college. whatever. in spite of all the emptiness i feel
 for having to leave behind all the relationships ive made in the 2 years ive
 been here, im not really worried about it. ive done this before.
 but it's weird, somehow this feels more permanent, because when i was moving
 high schools, everyone else stayed the same and we could keep in contact like
 old times but now everyone's going somewhere new and trying to do new things
 with their lives and it just kind of feels like i didnt try to spend enough time
 with people who i meant to spend time with and i didnt get to say goodbye how i
 wanted to to everyone that i wanted to say goodbye to. this is the first big
 farewell where i have regrets and feel like some important things have been left
 unsaid and all i can ask for is just one more week of high school to do the
 things i wanted with the people who made it special. but i guess that's just
 life.
 ---
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">そして人生最後の日、君が見えるのな
 > ら</span>  
 > And then if I could see you on the last day of my life  
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">きっと、人生最後の日も愛をうたうの
 > だ</span>  
 > I’m sure, even on the last day of my life, that I’d sing of love  
 > <span style="font-style: normal;">全部、全部無駄じゃなかったって言う</span>  
 >  Because you’d tell me none of it, none of it was in vain
 [translations courtesy of ej](https://ejtranslations.wordpress.com/2017/12/13/yorushika-itte/)