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src/posts/2024-07-12-finally-over.md

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+---
+author: "Youwen Wu"
+authorTwitter: "@youwen"
+desc: "so why does it feel so empty"
+image: "./images/gradient-ascent.jpg"
+keywords: "graduation, friends, life"
+lang: "en"
+title: "it's finally over"
+---
+
+> <span style="font-style: normal;">きっと、人生最後の日を前に思うのだろ
+> う</span>  
+> I’m sure that on the last day of my life, when I think of what’s gone before  
+> <span style="font-style: normal;">全部、全部言い足りなくて惜しいけど</span>  
+> All of it, all of it will be unspeakably precious
+
+graduation was last week and ostensibly, im supposed to be happy now. 4 years of
+high school are over. most of the work was boring, some of the teachers were
+awful, and ill be studying in an idyllic campus by the beach come next fall. all
+my friends are going off on vacation to somewhere exciting (and im at home
+writing code and doing math, lol). something's off, though. i spent the last
+semester of senior year wishing it would all be over and now it just feels so
+... _empty_ and all i can ask for is just _one more week_. one more week to
+spend with and say bye to all the people i care about. hell, i'd even put up
+with another week of those stupid gov assignments.
+
+---
+
+## one
+
+<br />
+
+> <span style="font-style: normal;">あまり考えたいと思えな</span>  
+> I didn’t feel like thinking about it too much  
+> <span style="font-style: normal;">忘れてたんだ</span>  
+>  So I had forgotten about it, but
+
+they say that your perception of time speeds up as you age and senior year is
+supposed to be gone in a flash. in some ways, it does feel that way. senior year
+didn't necessarily feel _long_. most of my classes certainly weren't fun but
+it's not like i was _dying_ to get out. the first semester passed and we all
+went through that painful college application process and then second semester
+started and as everyone started getting their decisions back the vibes all
+chilled out and before you know it it was may and everyone including me were
+counting the days until graduation.
+
+but i also did so much more in senior year. if you asked me to describe my
+sophomore year, i could probably give you a few lines. sophomore year was
+terrible. i was almost depressed, just moved and didn't know anyone, and the
+days were long and forgettable. if i did this same for this year, id probably be
+able to talk for an hour just about the cool shit i was up to and all the
+amazing people ive met and had to say goodbye to.
+
+the other part of the notion that time seems to speed up as you age is that your
+perception of time is defined by meaningful experiences. in general, the spaces
+between each experience feels ephemeral, because you dont have many lasting
+memories to define them by, kind of like filler episodes in an anime. the more
+meaningful experiences you have though, the more markers you have to distinguish
+each block of filler space, which makes everything feel longer. at least, that's
+what ive heard, and ive experienced that first hand this year. i designed and
+built robots, worked on cool projects, did research, and had so many amazing
+experiences. the other day i was thinking about
+[something i had worked on](https://github.com/Team-1280/jankboard-2) and
+feeling almost nostalgic, and then i realized it was just 3 months ago. i
+probably couldnt give you 2 distinctive events that happened in a 3 month period
+in sophomore year and yet the past 3 months felt longer than my entire freshman
+year. there's something so weird and "empty" about this feeling of
+quasi-nostalgia but it doesn't necessarily feel bad.
+
+## two
+
+<br />
+
+> <span style="font-style: normal;">牡丹は散っても花だ</span>  
+> Even if its petals scatter, a peony is still a flower  
+> <span style="font-style: normal;">夏が去っても追慕は切だ</span>  
+> Even if the summer ends, the memories of it are still cherished
+
+_nostalgia_. i've been thinking a lot about it and i guess trying to feel it at
+times lately. ive gone through my old music and rewatched some old youtubers and
+scrolled through old texts and dug up wayback machine archives of old web pages.
+there's something so magical about that mid 2010s not-quite-modern but
+not-quite-outdated web design that i spent my childhood with.
+
+it's not like im digging up anything super old. my earliest photos back to 2016
+and my earliest concrete web presence dates back to mid-2018, which was only
+about 6 years ago. ive been looking at stuff from just 2019, 2020, and 2021,
+which are still considered in recent memory by most. but it's so strange
+(although i suppose not unexpected) just how different everything feels in just
+2-3 years.
+
+you know that corny saying that goes "we didn't realize we were making memories,
+we just knew we were having fun"? i was aware that i was making memories the
+whole time. id even sometimes stop and consciously acknowledge it. but somehow,
+it didn't _really_ hit me until after it was over, and we all went home from
+grad night, and the 4 years all truly became just memories. it's weird, though.
+i don't think it's particularly useful to constantly think about the fact that
+you might be making lifelong memories whenever you're doing something fun. it
+doesn't add anything to your experience. at the same time, if i was really,
+truly aware of that fact, as i am now, i wouldve done a few things differently.
+but i guess that's just the nature of regret.
+
+## three
+
+<br />
+
+> <span style="font-style: normal;">あのね、私実はわかってるの</span>  
+> You see, I actually know  
+> <span style="font-style: normal;">もう君が逝ったこと</span>  
+> That you’re already gone
+
+am i worried about going off to a completely new place for college and having to
+start over with new friends, routines, everything? a few people have asked me
+that. the truth is, not in the slightest. ive been to 5 elementary schools and 2
+high schools and i never relied on my family for much support emotionally, so
+this doesnt really feel like anything new. it's just changing schools, again,
+except this time it's college. whatever. in spite of all the emptiness i feel
+for having to leave behind all the relationships ive made in the 2 years ive
+been here, im not really worried about it. ive done this before.
+
+but it's weird, somehow this feels more permanent, because when i was moving
+high schools, everyone else stayed the same and we could keep in contact like
+old times but now everyone's going somewhere new and trying to do new things
+with their lives and it just kind of feels like i didnt try to spend enough time
+with people who i meant to spend time with and i didnt get to say goodbye how i
+wanted to to everyone that i wanted to say goodbye to. this is the first big
+farewell where i have regrets and feel like some important things have been left
+unsaid and all i can ask for is just one more week of high school to do the
+things i wanted with the people who made it special. but i guess that's just
+life.
+
+---
+
+> <span style="font-style: normal;">そして人生最後の日、君が見えるのな
+> ら</span>  
+> And then if I could see you on the last day of my life  
+> <span style="font-style: normal;">きっと、人生最後の日も愛をうたうの
+> だ</span>  
+> I’m sure, even on the last day of my life, that I’d sing of love  
+> <span style="font-style: normal;">全部、全部無駄じゃなかったって言う</span>  
+>  Because you’d tell me none of it, none of it was in vain
+
+[translations courtesy of ej](https://ejtranslations.wordpress.com/2017/12/13/yorushika-itte/)